I think I am experiencing what writer's typically refer to as being "blocked." It's like there is a big concrete wall up around my head squeezing it so tight that my thoughts cannot be translated into words and get onto the paper. Or in this case, out through my fingers onto the keyboard and up onto the monitor.
It's probably funny that I'm even saying this because I am actually doing right now what I said I couldn't do; letting words fall out of my mind and trickle onto this page. But in my mind, I'm not really writing. I'm just drilling a whole through the wall in the hopes that something substantive comes out and will sound good.
I've been blocked before, but never to this extent. It's almost like I don't care. And that is what scare's me the most. I have a multitude of writing projects to get done, but my psyche has been wounded somehow and I've lost the will to really dive in and swim in the liberation and creativity that writing gives me.
I've been told I should take a break, reduce the number of projects, and blah, blah, blah. While I have, it still has not helped to reinvigorate me enough to bust down the wall and get my a$$ in gear. I think the worst thing for me is the fact that I almost don't care, and I've never not cared. It's not in my nature "to not care." Either there is something in my subconscious that is hindering me from getting back to business, or God is trying to tell me something. Perhaps it's both. I don't know.
I can say that life events have not helped me at all. About all they've done is upset me to no end and made me seek out mind numbing video games. I feel exactly like I did several years ago when my life imploded. Seriously! I do not want to go back there. I wasted so much time back then, and I've worked so hard to get beyond that. Now I am right back where I was and knocking on the door that I had thought I slammed shut and thrown away the key.
So where does this leave me now?
There's a little voice inside me that just said, "Turn around and walk away." I just got the shivers.
I know I need to write a few articles, a dozen or so book reviews and work on a couple of secret projects, but maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon. I just think I need to get rid of my headache and a buy a sledge hammer to bust open that wall.
Wishing you moments to know when to walk away.
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