Finding Me

I finally feel like I am coming back. It has been a long road. I would do anything for my family, to the point of putting my own health at risk. But let's face it, when push comes to shove, family is family and that is what we do.

Now that I am back, I've spent the last three weeks and two days trying to find me again. You see, I put her aside for awhile and upon my return, I think she got lost somewhere between here and my parents home. With absolutely no ambition to do much of anything outside of work, I even have no desire to hang out with anybody except my husband. I'm not even going to the annual work holiday party this year. I just can't bring myself to go. 

Today is the last day of November, and I'm sitting here now, watching a new holiday movie called, The Christmas Clause. The main character in this movie reminds me so much of myself. Busy career woman who volunteers for everything and spends so much of her life letting things pass her by because she is so darn busy. That used to be me, until I had the largest wakeup call in the world. Since I've been home, I simply don't have the energy or even care about much of anything.

I will say that I managed to write four articles for my gig at Examiner.com. It was at the last possible minute before the deadline. They were wondering if I dropped of the face of the planet, even saying they might drop me if I didn't write something soon. I got it done...can't believe I actually remember how to use the uploading program! Suffice it to say,I think my writing mojo is starting to return. That's a good start to finding me again.

I feel like I've missed the holidays...didn't get to participate in Halloween for obvious reasons. Thanksgiving was really low-key...thank goodness for a husband who can cook. Tomorrow is December 1st and I can finally put up my advent calendar. I've been looking forward to that all year. Tomorrow I hope to wrap the presents I already have and take inventory of what else I need. I'm not interested in making this the "best Christmas ever", just wanting to do a little less...for real this time. 

I do want to put up my trees, I have lots of ornaments that have not been out of their boxes in years. This is definitely something I'm planning on doing later this coming week. The hubs is going to handle the lights. Other than that...I'm not sure what else I want to do. I've already started the Christmas cards...just need to finish the holiday letter which is going to be pretty basic. I'll probably bake a few things, but not much more than that.Less is definitely more this year. No Secret Santa, no excess...just me, my guy and some alone time...enjoying my movies, and relaxing in the joys of the season.

I am thinking about 2014. I've always made plans, but somehow they seem to fall apart. I know I always do too much, but I've lost so much of myself these last several months, I don't know what to do. I've come up with an idea though...

2014 is going to be the Year of Finding Me.

Wishing you moments to find out who you are,
 

Like anything you see here? Then contact me, Susan Dusterhoft at todayswritingwoman@hotmail.com. I am always looking for more books/products to review. I can also provide assistance with blog writing!

Letting Go...

Removing the cape was easy, but letting go...well that is a whole other story.

I recently read a post from one of my new favorite bloggers, Lori Lynn Smith. Her website, Live Your Passions, has a wealth of wonderful musings. Lori Lynn's post, Find Your Inner Peace in Chaos of this World, talks about finding your inner peace in the midst of the chaos of the day. It got me thinking about my own personal chaos, and what I did to navigate my way down the road to my own inner peace.

For years I have struggled with "letting go". It didn't matter what it was, it just seemed like I always agonized over everything. Do they like me? Did I do a good job? What if they hate me? Will I be included in (fill in the blank here)? Sometimes it involved other things, for example where did I put (fill in the blank here)? I would search endlessly for whatever it was I was looking for. I was really lost without knowing it. Looking back, I think the thing I was really searching for was me.

I had my own personal hand in creating the chaos surrounding me. I freely admit it. I thought I was managing just fine, but in actuality, it was controlling me and I was wrapped around it's finger hanging on for dear life. For years it consumed me until I could no longer take it and I shouted to the three Fates, "Enough!" They heard me...

It wasn't until I took off the cape, that I finally realized that I could let go. It came though at a great cost to myself. The road that I was on had so many turns, curves and potholes, I wasn't sure I could go any further. The weight I had been carrying was getting heavier and I felt I could barely breathe anymore. I wasn't sleeping and my diet and exercise program...well, let's just say that didn't exist anymore. I was so busy taking care of everyone else, that I forgot the most important person to take care of...me.

With the cape gone, I knew that there was only one more thing left to do, and that was take the final leap. It was going to be hard and painful, but I was already suffering, so I figured why not add a bit more. "Take the leap!", the Three Fates shouted to me. So I did. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but what the heck! When I finally landed, I hit the ground hard and felt the air rush out of my lungs. I knew I was alive, but I was battered and bruised, and bared a severe case of road rash. It was not pretty, but I was alive, and despite everything, I was breathing. And oh the pain...the pain...the pain. How could I possibly be alive? I sent out a lifeline to everyone, family and friend, who would listen. My husband, my parents, my true friends...they all listened and they all helped.

At that moment, the heavy burden that I had been carrying all these years seemed so far away. As I tried to catch my breath, all I could do was just lay there. I stayed that way, for a long time. The Fates knew that this was the beginning of a new era. "Take care of you," they said to me. So that's what I did. I was somewhat afraid that I had forgotten how to take care of myself. Would I be able to do it? The only way to find out was to try. It has taken six months, but I finally feel like I am on the road again.

It hasn't been easy. The way to true inner peace is never I have found. There will always be setbacks, but it's a bit like falling off a bike. You just get up and get right back on that bike and keep going. The good news is that I don't feel so weighed down anymore and my vision is clearer so that I can stay on the right path. I think that the road will always have the s-curves and potholes, but I am stronger now to navigate them.

By "letting go", I was finally able to see that what I had been doing was causing me more harm than good. "Letting go" gave me the freedom to finally see where I really wanted to go. "Letting go" gave me back my life. "Letting go" allowed me to find the one thing that had been lost for a very long time...me.

From Signature